Selfishness…Where’s the Line?

I work hard, I keep a strong eye on my money, cars, and home.  I save a lot.  I leave my cans in the recycle bin for the homeless guy to pick up, I donate $10 here and there to charities, I’ll buy a candy bar from the youth hockey team raising money for a tournament, but I’m still……..cheap.  I’m honestly downright stingy to those less fortunate.  I haven’t given more than a few dollars to the church I’ve been attending for a few years now.  The Bible says 10% of your income.  As far as I’m concerned I owe the church a few thousand dollars.

So my question is, where do you draw the line to determine whether or not you’re selfish?  Does the line differ when selfishness is in the eyes of the public compared to the eyes of God?  I hate to think I am selfish, but I’ll be the first to admit the guns come out when something happens to my money.  “MY” money……says who?  In all reality nothing is mine, and when I am dead no material item I have in this world, money included, will come with me as I stand before God.

It’s so easy to think about giving away your money to the poor.  I’ve always said if I were rich I’d hand out all kinds of money to all kinds of people.  Some just to put a smile on their face, and others so they may eat, have shelter, or be clothed.  Why do I have to wait until I’m rich?  I could do it now and God will provide…..right?  It’s these decisions that can eat away at my mind.  Questioning if I am living it right or if saving our money so my wife can get  new car is acceptable.  Will God approve?  If God provides am I allowed to accept or am I expected to disperse his gift to me to other? Go to love these ruminating thoughts.  I could go on and on, but it’s time for some shut eye.

Just Me and My Pussy

Every time my wife is cuddling with our cat I just start laughing inside thinking about some potty-mouth/humorous/immature joke.  It’s just like farting.  No matter how old I get it’s just funny.  In a previous post I recall talking about the little things in life that make waking up everyday worthwhile.  Sometimes inappropriate jokes or thoughts can be the little things that make your next breath worth taking.  It’s those moments of laughter I really want to begin focusing on.  Obviously not just the potty-mouth humor, but whatever moments can bring a smile.  Without smiling there’s really no reason to stick around.  (I don’t mean “there’s really no reason to stick around” as in kill yourself, I mean that figuratively or metaphorically, whichever one means don’t commit suicide.)

The point is that due to many small smiles, the past 36 hours have been surprisingly well.  I believe it’s the reason why I didn’t make a post yesterday.  I’ve been constantly reminding myself that my job is merely a job, chores around the house will get done when they get done, and low and behold (is that the phrase?), everything has gotten done around the house and I’m doing well at my job as told to me today during my one-on-one with my boss.  It’s hard to find an issue to discuss when you have one of those days that’s just…….good.

With that I bid you goodnight as I drift away to sweet dreams with my pussy (wife), and her pussy (cat).  Night!

OCDizzle

When I run out of chores to do on Saturday and we have no money to go anywhere, I just get antsy and annoying, ask my wife.  I wouldn’t say it full blown OCD, but I would say it’s a form/version/type of OCD.  I always need to be doing something, and if I’m not, I’m restless unless it’s time for bed.  Playing video games feels like a waste of time, reading a book feels like a waste of time, designing on my computer or surfing the net feels like a waste of time.  It’s 5:30 on a Saturday and I feel like I just did nothing with my whole day.  The oddity is, I was up at 7:30, did four loads of laundry, did the dishes, cleaned the house, got my wife’s car inspected, and did some designing on my computer.  I’ve been productive but it just feels like I did nothing, and it bothers me.  What an annoying way to live.

It doesn’t really debilitate me in any way, it doesn’t make me depressed, it’s just kind of annoying.  I hate to say it, but I remember my father being the exact same way.  No offense dad, I love you, but I wish I could take ‘er easy more and not concern myself as to whether or I got enough done today.  Oh well, time for a beer I suppose, nothing else to do.

Where’s My Snack Pack?!

Honestly I’m not even a huge fan of snack packs, but when I was walking through the grocery store the other day they just caught my eye, and something magical happened.  I was like the little squirrel creature from the Ice Age movies chasing his acorn.  My eyes bulged, my lips smiled, I got really excited, I bought ‘em and had two that very night.  Really lame story I know, but you know that feeling you get when something like that happens?  It’s awesome!  It’s it’s own healthy high, unless you like you gorge yourself on snack packs all day.  It lasts longer than doing whippets in the stock room, and it doesn’t cause any damage to your brain, body, or relationships.  It’s its own little victory of joy.

It may or may not be clear, but I’m not referring just to puddin’ or food, I’m talking about the little things in life that just make you smile.  If your a guy your mother or wife has probably told you, “it’s the littlest things in life satisfy your deepest need.”  It could be a new craftsman tool you picked up at Sears, it could be that your wife surprised you to a pre-birthday dinner at your favorite sushi place (that happened tonight).  Whatever is may be, it’s those moments that I need to put a focus on, and not that I might have been overly stressed at work with my deadlines.

Those work stresses should honestly be the least of my problems.  Every night when I leave the office I say to myself, “self…..it’s just a job.”  If the job heads south, there are more jobs out there, in every corner of the world there are jobs.  I remind my wife and myself this regularly, because that’s all it is, a job.  Our jobs shouldn’t determine who we are as people, it should merely be a medium that allows us to live our lives the way we want.  You need money to survive, and jobs provide that money.  Period.

Work Ethic?

What is a work ethic?  Is it how hard you will work to survive?  Provide for your family?  Be rich?  Famous?  Envied?  Are your parents to blame for the work ethic you have or don’t have?  I don’t know if my parents are to be held accountable for my work ethic, but I bust my ass at whatever I do, even if I simply hate the task at hand.  Sure I’ll get mad, I’ll whine, pout, and cry a little, but I’ll still do whatever it is the best that I can.  It doesn’t always have a positive outcome, as it can get into the way of my marriage, my job, and affect anyone within my vicinity.  I believe the reason is when I’m working hard at something I simply hate doing (i.e. the dishes), I get annoyed and tense and end up being short with my wife.  Do I have the dishes to blame or my own lack of ability to relax and let it go.  Maybe it’s just OCD.

The same thing happens at work, I sweat the small stuff no matter how hard I try to combat it.  I don’t do drugs, but back in high school and a little of college I smoked a bit of weed.  From what I remember when I was high I was free.  Obviously this is why people do drugs and drink alcohol, but is it possible to feel that free without substances?  How cool would it be to just take a breath of fresh air and have all of your overworked work ethic just chill out, have the knot in the back of your neck melt away, and take it all with a grain of salt.  I think that’d be a win.

As my quest to be an optimist continues…

Keepin’ It Together

I know for many in this economy, time are tough.  People have lost nearly everything they’ve ever worked for.  Some people feel they have lost so much they to take their own life, and in some of the most awful cases, the lives of others.  When I think about it I am so thankful I am not going through the tough times other are, yet I still get that feeling.

I have a job, my wife has a job, we live within our means and have no credit-card debt.  No credit card debt?  That’s right, NO CREDIT CARD DEBT!  Even with all this I still feel like times are tough, and life isn’t going to work out the way I want it.  I feel like we’re walking a tight-rope and could fall before we take our next step.  I feel like I’m not good enough at my job even though my boss’s are pleased with me.  I feel like they could fire me if I make one mistake even though others their totally suck at their jobs and they don’t get fired.  I don’t know why I do this to myself, so much unnecessary stress that I just throw on my shoulder.  The pain in the back of my neck just doesn’t go away unless I’m boozin’ (side note, I don’t booze to dull the pain).

Time and time again I remind myself that all I need to do is trust in God, and he will provide…..annnnd time and time again I forget this very statement.  It’s an incredibly clear statement and it seems like it is probably the most contradicted statement of all time.  Can anyone out there truly do this?  Can anyone 10000% without any question trust in God and believe he will truly provide?  Definitely easier said than done.

Just Let It Go

Easier said than done am I right?  When someone wrongs you, you just want to punch them in the face, cause them pain, make them hurt.  It’s so difficult to kill those emotions when they’ve gone full throttle on you.  You lose control of yourself.  The emotions your body generates overpower who you really are and what you would much rather be doing that to be all fired up about something someone did to you.  Is that person a major douchebag for walking all over you, most definitely, but is it really up to you to make them hurt?  The answer is……no.

Bottom line is it’s God will that will be done, and he will be the one to judge the living and the dead.  It’s so easy to write that, but following it is a different story.  I’ll be the first to admit my inability to leave it up to God.  As much as I’d like to, sometimes it becomes so personal that God doesn’t even have a say.  That’s an awful thing to say but I think that’s the reality of many instances where people struggle in their lives and lose their tempers.  The worst part about all of this, pending if a person is true to themselves not, the following day after completely losing their minds they’ll be more than embarrassed and ashamed of how they conducted themselves.  They won’t be embarrassed and ashamed because of who saw them lose their minds, they’ll be embarrassed and ashamed because deep down they know better than to have acted with such barbaric instincts.  They’ll know the real them would never have jeopardized their life or possibly the life of the family had they had a cool head through the situation.  People are crazy, they kill over the dumbest things, so losing your temper could land you dead in an overpriced box.  It could leave your children with no parents.  It could leave your loved one all alone.  It’s not worth it.  Benefit yourself and those around you by taking a deep breath once in a while, and walking away.  You’ll appreciate it he next day when your able to wake up, have coffee, and head out the door instead of having taken your last breath the night before because you were too full of self pride and couldn’t just let it go.

In Good Company

My wife and I have always wanted to entertain at our home.  We’ve had couples come over for dinner and have had the opportunity to show them who we are, introduce them to good food, play a board game, and vice-a-versa; but last night we invited three couples over!  We were really nervous as to how it was going to turn out.  Cooking for this many people in our small kitchen wasn’t going to be easy.  Would we would be able to host a good party?

This was to in to way be a college party full of retarded mayhem and tomfoolery, this was to be a night of relatively mature adults drinking wine, maybe having a few beers, eating good food, playing a board game or two, and sharing stories.  It turned out great.  Last night gave me something to look forward to.  It’s nice to know their are other honest couples out there just trying to do it right.

I’m not sure when we’ll do it again, maybe once we get a dishwasher (I spent two hours this morning washing dishes), but regardless it was one of the most fun nights my wife and I have had in a long time.  Of course we are each others best friend and enjoy great times with one another, but once in a while it’s a nice change of pace to toss other good people into the mix.  It opens the doors to so many more paths life could take us, and I think we both look forward to traveling down those roads.

You Don’t Actually See Me

Do you remember when you were growing up and all of your hormones were racing in thousands of different directions.  It was a time when everything was an experience and you were finding out who you really were.  It has it’s great times and discoveries, as well as it’s time of sorrow.  It was just as life is now, but full of untapped knowledge.  It was a time when you felt like there was no one who truly understood the decisions you had to make, and feelings that overcame you.   The emotions you felt could not be seen by anyone but yourself.  If only at any instance you could pause time and truly show the person in front of you how you really felt and boldly portray your internal self.

I had the pleasure of seeing a Broadway show last night that did just this.  These actors did an amazing job pausing moments in time, capturing the emotions of the moment and engulfing the audience into the experience.  A lot of it was sad, some of it was hilarious, but it let me know when I was growing up, I was not alone, I was just unaware of others around me.  I couldn’t actually see them.

Enough of That

Thanks to the last comment for telling me to chill out.  When I look back on yesterday today, I can almost laugh at my actions.  What a baby, cry me a river….seriously.  Instead of whining that I was hungover I should’ve just been thinking, “damn, last night was totally worth it.”

What odd is I feel like a stronger person when others aren’t doing so well.  I turn into a stable rock that won’t be moved.  On the other hand, if I’m the one who’s not doing so well, my world begins to crumble all around me.  It’s only been over the past few years that I’ve been able to stop the crumbling before I completely break down.  Are other people like this or am I alone here?  If I”m calm and in a good mood I can watch other people lose it all day long and I won’t even flinch.  I can look at them and just be in aw of their actions.  I will wonder how they can freak out so crazily over the most minute, unimportant, downright stupid problems; but when it’s on me and I’m the one with the problem, it a whole other story.

I wish I could look at my problems the same way I look at other people’s problems.  I’m going to set that as another personal goal to complement my quest to be an optimist.  Let’s see how it goes.